Wonder Who I Am

Suddenly I felt things were getting dark. It was already 8 in the evening and I do not find anyone worth waiting for, in the park. I have never been to parks, and then being all alone was a different experience. I was in my dreamland. The place I always wanted to be in, and fantasize, was in front. But I was not quite enjoying it.

When people say parks are for kids, I say, it is for the older kids. These kids have different games to play. I must say, it is little sensual. These are the people who find it difficult to keep their loves to themselves and keep spreading them.  I see only two reasons for such a public display of affection. One may be lack of privacy in their own house and the other being the fascination to show others what they have got. Both of cases, I do not support their cause. The park rather being a place for children to play had become place for love and romance. The parks have become place to repeat what they see in movies and serials these days. At dusk, you find a brim streak of light from the clouds. You have a time where you do not see the shadow of the people any longer. You do not recognize people around you, but see figures moving along. The entire place seems to be so monotone, a color which has filled my heart, a different darkness, which sets the moment for complete darkness.

I knew, I was not in the right place, but felt like I had nowhere else to go. No one understands the pain, I am living for. Friends, parents, her.  No one. The people who knew me, try to advice. Parents; can’t even think about telling them, what is the problem with me. And if the first person in my life which I always felt, understood what was going on with me, I would have been a different person in my life. I just got up from my seat, took a walk in the park. Tired, I went to my bike to go home. As soon as I sat on my bike, felt like, I would not be able to move the bike. I step down, and sat on the footpath. I remove my glasses, look at the passing cars. Why does it so happen that I find myself synonymous to every things around me. The passing cars seems to be talking to me, telling me, it’s okay, you can do it. Move on and you would get your answer.

I got a call from my friend, who was waiting at his place, so that we can have dinner together.  I immediately got over my thoughts and took the way which went to Sanjay place. A totally messed up guy, who does not realize what was he doing. Things did not go well with both of us. He ditched his girlfriend and I carried over. Thought, she was worth a last fight. I reached his place. I asked if he could come in for a tea outside. He agreed, and we went out. He always thought he could show me some other girl and get me out of my thinking. I used to smile when he used to do that. He could not realize a simple thing, I just wanted something in my life, I could be happy for. Every dinner with him used to be a battle ground for me. I used to talk about being with her and he used to talk about forgetting her, concentrating on studies and do something better. It used to be a difficult conversation. I always used to tell myself, life is fair and good. I never realized that, I am already trapped into something which would engulf my entire life. I went home and slept.

The fantasy of having Sandya by my side always took the first priority. Each day found me coming early to office to see her on a table alone, talk to her, company her to her place, and listening to her. She always tried avoiding my company, a thing she was never successful in. We were in the same team and each person around us knew, what was going on. But I made sure no one asks her. I knew she would not enjoy the question which involved us. Making her open up to me, was another wonderful experience for me, listening to all sort of good words. I must say she had an amazing language; otherwise the words, used to puncture my heart, would have been really different. Lunch, then back home, she always used to find me around her. Just wanted to let her know, I am there for her. I am not sure whether the decision was right, coz I felt she never realized the value. I just wanted to hold on to her.

Late night calls made me feel her heart was like polo, a heart with a hole. My calls used to be often missed calls on her phone. The number of missed calls used to range from 15 to 60. I felt I knew everything about her, but she never tried understanding how much I love her.  Finally, when she picks up the phone, I realize my ears have the pleasure to listen to the world’s best voice. The conversation, sometimes funny, often used to start with “why you didn’t pick up my call”. She used to start her egoistic replies and I used to answer, unbothered, determined to fight back and get back the lost battles of speeches, just to find that I have to do what she asks me to do. 

I heard somewhere that the path to love is never easy. It has got lot of pain and suffering; but finally when you win, you realize the scars are worth in life. Every set back made me smile and unleashed new strength in me.

I had lot of work on a day and could not pay much attention to her. She left early which I found out later in the evening when she was not around. On my way back home I found a missed call from her. I was actually surprised. This is a rare moment and I wanted to celebrate. If I had the privilege to drink, a bottle of champagne would have been emptied in no time. But, rather I had milk to compensate and enjoy. I had my dinner and called her back. She picked up immediately and kept mum. I am a lot surprised. The usual hard toned word, ‘BOLO KYA KAAM HAI’, was replaced by a deep silence. It was something which I never expected in a call with her. I was silent too.

A minutes of silence between people just reveals how tightly you are knitted together, even nothing communicates everything. Finally, I broke the silence and said ‘Hey what happened’. She was sobbing. Something wrong has happened and I need to pay urgent attention to. Repeated pondering on her sobbing got the answer from her.

Her manager called her up and she was screwed. Her performance had been really bad in the last six months and she would be given a pink slip, if this continued over the next quarter. She was terrified, scared and did not know what to do. I kept telling her that things would be fine, but she would not understand and kept mum. I told her that I am coming to meet her. She kept saying no, but I disconnected the phone. In no time, I reached her place. Called her to come out and she was there in a minute.

As soon as I saw her dull face, I could not resist. She was in scared and I cannot do anything. I just got hold of her and hugged her. She did not resist either. Guess she found something which would let her away from all the pain she was in. It was not a well lighted place and we did not realize the people around us. After sometime, we let off each other and went to a CCD. We had long chat there and she thanked me for all what I have done today. I just had a brief smile on my face. I dropped her back to her place. As I was about to leave, I just turned back to see her. She was smiling and waving to me. I moved on with a light heart, a sweet memory and a strong feeling, ‘She would love me some day’.

Life: Back and Forth

It has been a year I did not see her. It was 2^rd of February and I feel I am missing something again. It’s Richa s birthday. I wake up to realize it but cannot do anything. I dial her number and suddenly felt something, and I immediately disconnected.

There are two things in life which hurts you a lot. Hope, that things would turn good and the one you love would come back to you, and Ego, indeed making you feel the best person on this earth, never caring about others.  In my case, it was both. I was hoping that some day she would come back to me and I can just wrap her tightly and shout at her, “Why did you leave me”. And at the next instance I feel, let’s give a damn to her. She does not care, so do I!

I tried to forget her, and continue my daily routine. As soon as I sat on my bike, I felt really heavy. Somehow I did not feel like going anywhere. Immediately, I called up my manager telling him I am not feeling well and would like to take a leave today. He was fine with it.

It all started 4 year back and things were messed up a year back. I and Richa used to talk every day. It was like I got my soul mate. Slowly all my friends knew her. They used to tease me and we used to blush and quit the place. She came as a new leash to my life. Hours of talk and still feel something was still unspoken. And if calls were not enough, messages used to be exchanged every hour. If my manager would have seen me, I would have been kicked out of office as my productivity rate would have been record low. Right from the time we used to meet outside for going to office till the time she used to enter her PG at night, I used to company her. Breakfast, Lunch dinner were all together. We were close and close enough to know all secrets. I knew her worst habits and her best ways. I used to like all of them. And if these were not enough, she haunted my dreams too.  It had been months together and I still did not propose her. Sometimes felt like kissing her and make her feel how much I love her. Still the fear that she might just say, she never thought this way scared me. I could never think of losing her.

One fine Saturday, when I went with her to a temple, she said she wanted to talk to me regarding something. Her face was red, and I was really apprehensive as to what was coming next. I just asked her what and she asked me to come outside the temple. She took a deep breath and then she said, “I cannot tell you or explain you what is happening to me. I feel something is wrong with me. I feel so indifferent. I keep thinking about you all time. I do not understand. I love you. ”. She hides her face and away from me. I was awestruck. I did not feel a word in my mouth. The words from her came so fast, I felt like a hang computer where processes were in deadlock. She just spoke what I wanted to tell her from a long time. I went to her and kept looking her for a long time. It was a story unspoken. Eyes were speaking and we let it do its job. I finally told her, I love her too and saying this I embraced her and felt so light. We were together as there was no one around. It was really long and people started staring at us.

We did not realize that it was temple premise and we were on the eyes of every individual there. Finally when we realized this thing, we made a move. We heard people talking that the new generation does not even leave temples for their romance. We left the place smiling.

The time you are committed, the girl gets all the right on your life. You are no longer you, but her. You wear what she asks you to wear and do what she asks you to do. Life seems little difficult. But there are good parts too. She is always there inspiring you, helping you, understanding you, which I am sure no other friend of your s can help you with. She always thinks well about you and helps you be a better one. Guys rarely realize it, and I was not a rare species.

The next year was a perfect after marriage fighting scene. We used to fight over every small thing. Right from the kind of clothes we wear, to having time for each other. Even complaining that we were no longer the same as we were before, used to be in the daily discussion. We used to have very healthy discussion. We used to burn all the calories fighting. This was the reason we managed to keep in shape.

These small fights were always in control and we managed to stay together and enjoy. We realized that these small things would only make things better between us.

One fine day, she comes to me very happy and she says, “I am really happy today, I got promoted.”, and she comes and hugs me. I too hug her but it was a half hearted hug. I joined before her and she gets promoted and not me. No dude. I work very hard to make things happen. Days after that did not go well with both of us. My perception of things changed and so about this relationship we were in. The promotion thing did not go down my throat. I turned into a Villain in my own life. Any financial thing discussed with her and leave apart financial, any sort of matter used to be a difficult conversation for us. Shouting at her became my usual thing. I never thought I could be such a guy, but I was the real villain in her life. She used to bear me whatever I used to tell her. Her life became miserable. Sometimes she used to cry when she was alone. Just thinking what happened to me. She never got an answer. She was completely out of her health.

Her ruining of health, made her parents come to Bangalore. She somehow managed to escape telling them all kind of lies and not the truth. Finally she asked me a day, as to what was the problem with me. Why was I behaving in such odd manners? She has been disturbed for a really long time. Now she had all the rights to know what was going inside my mind that made me go crazy and made her life terrible. Initially, I kept hiding things and kept finding out mistakes in her. Finally, I had to tell her about the promotion thing and said I cannot live like this. Let’s part our ways for some time.

She tried explaining me that these things happen in life and good things happen and we should wait for the right time to come. I told her that she will never understand because she got something which I did not. I told her that she does not feel my emotions. I asked her to leave me. She kept insisting, but I was too stubborn.

Next few days we did not talk to each other. Felt really bad what I spoke to her, but could never tell her that I really felt bad. Sometimes, distances can be bridged when they are small, otherwise they grow so large that we might try our entire life but we never succeed to close these gaps. After a couple of days, she comes to me and says she is resigning from office and talk to me only if I talk to her next. She had tears in her eyes but she was a damn strong girl. Her words were vibrating in my ears. What is the damn problem that she makes a big fuss out of it? I said to myself chuck it. Things would be fine and she will come back.

I was just thinking all these things, and I heard a bell ring. A salesman was at my door trying to sell something. I just told him, that I was not interested in any of the stuff he was selling.  I was feeling real heavy. Again felt like calling her, but somehow did not. Felt like a good sleep would help me. I lay down on my bed and try to sleep.

Suddenly my phone rings and I see a name, Richa. She always surprises me and she gets along with things I always want to do. Just picked up and said hello. She says hello too and then there is a long pause. Why on earth does it happen, that u have 10000 words to speak, but given an opportunity, you do not find one. ‘Hey. Long time we did not speak, so thought I will call you. How you doing!’. ‘I am fine Richa, how you doing?’. ‘I am doing well. Listen I am getting married next week and would like you to come to my place. Can you make it?’ How could I not even say a word listening to her? I just thought I will ask her to come back to me and break all the promises of the world. Told you, I was not from a rare species. Men do not want to bow down, and especially never want to say they are hurt. ‘Happy Birthday Richa, by the way. Will try to make it to your wedding, I do not assure you though’. ‘Please try to make it; you are my only good friend’.  I smiled and disconnected the call.

There were thousand thoughts going in my head. Why should I go to that wedding? Let her go to hell. Why should I even bother? I open my laptop, go to yatra.com and book my tickets for Delhi, where she was getting married. I found it the only chance I could meet her and tell her sorry for whatever I did.

I reached Delhi in the afternoon. Her wedding was in the evening. I was on the way to the marriage hall, that I saw Archie’s gallery.  I stopped my cab, went inside, and got a card with sorry written in bold. As I was approaching the marriage hall, I was just thinking what I should speak to her. How should I react? I did not know anyone in that party except her. As soon as I enter the party, my eyes kept searching for her. I could see no known faces.

I see her. Wearing a white gown, she was looking amazing. Just thought I will go to her give the card and leave the place. She turned, saw me looked into my eyes and give the worlds largest smile. This smile was for me and I smile back.

Glimpse of life

One fine morning when people were less on the street and dogs were at their lows, I came out of my house looking at the wide open sky. Felt like living one more day and enjoy my freedom. Realized, life is not always about fun. It tweaks you to work and makes you do things which you never thought you would.
I just took a stroll to the bus stand and was waiting for my office shuttle to come. Looking at the faces, I found no difference in their entities. All looked same. All techies, with the same kind of features: Intellectual, silent, busy in their own work. I have been coming to this stand from the last year. I have been watching the same set of guys and girl and some of them from my own office, but I never spoke to them neither they ever spoke to me. No one took the initiative to talk and neither did anyone bothered to make a new friend.
Just onboard my shuttle and see many similar faces. I go and take my place, plug in my ear phones and start listening to music. I was actually bugged listening to music every day. Often felt like talking to someone and making new friends, but it never happened and I always kept things with myself. I gave a look around and saw on one was talking to each other. Some were sleeping, others reading newspaper. Some were just awake watching the way along. I suddenly realized how poor we were with our social skills.
Happen to remember my past some years ago when I was in school. Everyday going to the school was such a headache. I was always early to my bus stop. My friends would we waiting for me. The conversation used to be amazing. We used to start from all fun, to fights to laughs to tears and sometimes a lot of love and affection.
One fine day, when I reached my bus stop to go to school, I saw a new guy there. Really apprehensive, as to, who this new guy is. We friends were chatting. He was of our age, little taller than me and quite well build. I felt really courageous and went to him and asked, “Who are you?”. He felt he was quite scared with my courageous activity. He then told that he is Gurmeet and he came here with his parents as they got transferred to this city. I felt really nice talking to him and invited to come with us. I introduced him to all my friends. By this time our respective buses came and we left for our school.
Meeting Gurmeet was a usual thing now. We used to board from the same stop. I never realized that he has become a very important part of our lives. He was a true friend who was always fun to be with.
As soon as I came from my past, see I reach my office. I flashed my ID card and enter my office. I did not have my breakfast. I go to a fast food center and grab a sandwich. I paid the money and sat on one of the tables. Quite bored with the same food, always wanted new things to eat. Suddenly tears rolled on and I realized I was all alone. There were days when I got lot of people trying to get hold of my breakfast, I fighting for it to save it for myself. Often complained to teachers that someone ate my food and got my friends punished. They never used to stop their activities. My breakfast was always the same, Masala puffed rice. I never felt, I do not like it. I actually asked my mom to always put that thing as my breakfast.
Felt like talking to mom once. Called her and asked her to come to Bangalore once. She said she would not be able to make it. Just felt what a crap life I have. Immediately left to my cubicle and started working. What made me do it, I do not know, but I called up Aasha. It is an organization which helps the depressed people to relieve stress. I immediately got an appointment. My working hours are from 8 to 5 in the evening, but I make a point to stay till 9 to see I do not get any free time. Today, I left office by 5 and went to Aasha. I met the councilor and explained my entire situation. She was sympathizing. But I never felt good. She could understand my situation but could never do anything for it. The moment I realized it, I left my seat and left the place.
Situations were never so bad. When I used to feel bad, Mom was always there, and friends ya, they used to come home and bug me to the core to see I never think about things which hurts. I immediately went back to my office and started working. That day, I worked longer. I was all alone in the entire floor of 300 people. Working to see I got no more pain left. I was tired but with no sleep in my eyes. Young but still old. It was around mid night, that I packed my bag. I did not book a cab so I get to go home by myself. I realized that and started talking a walk home which was some 9 kilometers away. My brother never allowed me out after 9, when I was at home. When I was late, he used to trigger alarm. He used to search me in the entire town and shout at me when he used to see me. This walk was really hurting. Each step was so heavy, I could not understand what to do.
Reached home and lied on my bed. I used my phone to log on to facebook. I got 350 friends. I Just checked if I could talk to someone. Found none. I closed my eyes.
Waking up early morning was a usual job. Got ready and went to my Bus stop. I see someone new here. With a bright smile she comes and me and says hello, I am Richa. Quite surprised with someone invading my personal territory and went back and said hi. She said she is new to this place and said she was working in the same company as I do. She needed more information on a number of things and she wanted help on them. I agreed. We boarded the bus and started talking to each other. We were talking very formally and discussed where we were from and how are things in office. Strangely, I had breakfast with someone after a long time. Such a bright face brought smile to my face too. She said bye and said cu in the evening.
For a strange reason I was waiting for 5 o’ clock to tick sooner. As soon as it was 5, I left my place and sat in my bus. I started waiting for her. It was 5 10 and she has not come. I was just watching my phone again and again. The time was ticking fast and I do not see her. I was tensed and watching outside my bus again and again. Just when the bus was about to leave, I see her running and coming to the bus. She came. I said you are late, I am waiting for you from such a long time (Though just 15 minutes). She smiled.