Wonder Who I Am

Suddenly I felt things were getting dark. It was already 8 in the evening and I do not find anyone worth waiting for, in the park. I have never been to parks, and then being all alone was a different experience. I was in my dreamland. The place I always wanted to be in, and fantasize, was in front. But I was not quite enjoying it.

When people say parks are for kids, I say, it is for the older kids. These kids have different games to play. I must say, it is little sensual. These are the people who find it difficult to keep their loves to themselves and keep spreading them.  I see only two reasons for such a public display of affection. One may be lack of privacy in their own house and the other being the fascination to show others what they have got. Both of cases, I do not support their cause. The park rather being a place for children to play had become place for love and romance. The parks have become place to repeat what they see in movies and serials these days. At dusk, you find a brim streak of light from the clouds. You have a time where you do not see the shadow of the people any longer. You do not recognize people around you, but see figures moving along. The entire place seems to be so monotone, a color which has filled my heart, a different darkness, which sets the moment for complete darkness.

I knew, I was not in the right place, but felt like I had nowhere else to go. No one understands the pain, I am living for. Friends, parents, her.  No one. The people who knew me, try to advice. Parents; can’t even think about telling them, what is the problem with me. And if the first person in my life which I always felt, understood what was going on with me, I would have been a different person in my life. I just got up from my seat, took a walk in the park. Tired, I went to my bike to go home. As soon as I sat on my bike, felt like, I would not be able to move the bike. I step down, and sat on the footpath. I remove my glasses, look at the passing cars. Why does it so happen that I find myself synonymous to every things around me. The passing cars seems to be talking to me, telling me, it’s okay, you can do it. Move on and you would get your answer.

I got a call from my friend, who was waiting at his place, so that we can have dinner together.  I immediately got over my thoughts and took the way which went to Sanjay place. A totally messed up guy, who does not realize what was he doing. Things did not go well with both of us. He ditched his girlfriend and I carried over. Thought, she was worth a last fight. I reached his place. I asked if he could come in for a tea outside. He agreed, and we went out. He always thought he could show me some other girl and get me out of my thinking. I used to smile when he used to do that. He could not realize a simple thing, I just wanted something in my life, I could be happy for. Every dinner with him used to be a battle ground for me. I used to talk about being with her and he used to talk about forgetting her, concentrating on studies and do something better. It used to be a difficult conversation. I always used to tell myself, life is fair and good. I never realized that, I am already trapped into something which would engulf my entire life. I went home and slept.

The fantasy of having Sandya by my side always took the first priority. Each day found me coming early to office to see her on a table alone, talk to her, company her to her place, and listening to her. She always tried avoiding my company, a thing she was never successful in. We were in the same team and each person around us knew, what was going on. But I made sure no one asks her. I knew she would not enjoy the question which involved us. Making her open up to me, was another wonderful experience for me, listening to all sort of good words. I must say she had an amazing language; otherwise the words, used to puncture my heart, would have been really different. Lunch, then back home, she always used to find me around her. Just wanted to let her know, I am there for her. I am not sure whether the decision was right, coz I felt she never realized the value. I just wanted to hold on to her.

Late night calls made me feel her heart was like polo, a heart with a hole. My calls used to be often missed calls on her phone. The number of missed calls used to range from 15 to 60. I felt I knew everything about her, but she never tried understanding how much I love her.  Finally, when she picks up the phone, I realize my ears have the pleasure to listen to the world’s best voice. The conversation, sometimes funny, often used to start with “why you didn’t pick up my call”. She used to start her egoistic replies and I used to answer, unbothered, determined to fight back and get back the lost battles of speeches, just to find that I have to do what she asks me to do. 

I heard somewhere that the path to love is never easy. It has got lot of pain and suffering; but finally when you win, you realize the scars are worth in life. Every set back made me smile and unleashed new strength in me.

I had lot of work on a day and could not pay much attention to her. She left early which I found out later in the evening when she was not around. On my way back home I found a missed call from her. I was actually surprised. This is a rare moment and I wanted to celebrate. If I had the privilege to drink, a bottle of champagne would have been emptied in no time. But, rather I had milk to compensate and enjoy. I had my dinner and called her back. She picked up immediately and kept mum. I am a lot surprised. The usual hard toned word, ‘BOLO KYA KAAM HAI’, was replaced by a deep silence. It was something which I never expected in a call with her. I was silent too.

A minutes of silence between people just reveals how tightly you are knitted together, even nothing communicates everything. Finally, I broke the silence and said ‘Hey what happened’. She was sobbing. Something wrong has happened and I need to pay urgent attention to. Repeated pondering on her sobbing got the answer from her.

Her manager called her up and she was screwed. Her performance had been really bad in the last six months and she would be given a pink slip, if this continued over the next quarter. She was terrified, scared and did not know what to do. I kept telling her that things would be fine, but she would not understand and kept mum. I told her that I am coming to meet her. She kept saying no, but I disconnected the phone. In no time, I reached her place. Called her to come out and she was there in a minute.

As soon as I saw her dull face, I could not resist. She was in scared and I cannot do anything. I just got hold of her and hugged her. She did not resist either. Guess she found something which would let her away from all the pain she was in. It was not a well lighted place and we did not realize the people around us. After sometime, we let off each other and went to a CCD. We had long chat there and she thanked me for all what I have done today. I just had a brief smile on my face. I dropped her back to her place. As I was about to leave, I just turned back to see her. She was smiling and waving to me. I moved on with a light heart, a sweet memory and a strong feeling, ‘She would love me some day’.